Friday Noodling - The Most Unhelpful Advice Ever

"Don't care what people think."

Okeedokie. Thanks for dumping that one on me. I get the sentiment, but playing this out in reality, at least for me, is impossible.

I noodle on this topic a lot, because, even though I'm independent and crave autonomy, I do seek affirmation and meaningful community. Scriptures say that the fear of other people is a snare or a trap, but we are also made for communion and collaboration. On one extreme, you can become a victim to the biased and subjective opinions of others, who don't share your values, story, pain, worldview, and personality type. On the other extreme, people are obtuse jerks.

Not sure what the best answer is, but here are a few tips I use:

1. If I treasure something - a dream, hope, plans, memories - I only share it with people I trust and who build me up. PERIOD. This allows for intimacy and authenticity without risking having your treasure be carelessly or intentionally trampled. I have rarely regretted privacy and restraint.

As an aside and personal testimony, I think single women can make the mistake of too quickly putting their dreams and treasures in the hands of guys that aren't ready, willing or capable to protect or cherish them.

2. I only listen to people who understand how I'm wired, what motivates me, AND are willing to tell me the truth in a loving way. And I'm talking criticism AND compliments. I don't need to be artificially puffed up nor torn down. It is really helpful to gain an understanding of personality types (see older posts), so you can look out for those who aren't compatible with yours. A fresh perspective can be helpful, but just from personal experience, if you can't relate to how I'm feeling or thinking, your advice is going to be ineffective.

3. Stay grounded in YOUR values, purpose and perspective. I'm not a mushy subjectivist - like all of our individual thoughts and opinions constitute some sort of disorienting rainbow of reality. There are objective truths that cannot be reasonably denied, but no one on this earth is you, and no one will ever ever ever be you again. Only God Himself knows all of your pain, joys, and hopes. No one has a right to take that dignity away and we have a responsibility to protect ouselves and others.

4. Handle delicately giving your opinion to others. If they don't ask; don't give it. Period. I try very hard to not interfere with other people's lives (unless they are in danger, etc). It drives me up the wall when other people don't show the same respect.

I'm sure there is more we can discuss, but this is what comes to mind for now. Some of you see weakness in others who care what people think, but let's reframe the situation and look for the good. Those people (us) can be stewards of potentially great relationships and connections, if we have the right boundaries, respect and wisdom.

Enneagram Insights Series - Why Personality Testing Matters

I've always admired people who seem to unequivocally know who they are, what they want and how to be immune to the judgments of others. This isn't most of us, is it? Most people have blindspots in their personalities. For life to function well, there must be a myriad of gifts, perspectives, motivations and personality types, but appreciating this diversity is not easy!

Take social media, as an example of this personality quagmire. We see epic digital battles over dresses, politics, celebrities - some want us to just get along, some don't want to be involved at all, some see issues as black and white, some see grey, some see purple. Who's wrong? Who's right? Who cares? It can be maddening to navigate these waters!

I am a personality testing and self-awareness enthusiast. You can't have your feet firmly planted in life without understanding what makes you (and others) unique. If you've interviewed for a corporate job, you probably took some sort of generic test to see if you were right for the role. In retrospect, my results were normally wrong, because I unconsciously put on work "masks" to project what I was "supposed" to be. I spent years thinking and acting like someone I wasn't, which leads to an imbalance of mind, soul, and body. I unknowingly did things I didn't really want to do, nurtured relationships with people who drained me, and fell prey to the illegitimate criticism of others.

A life coach and friend introduced me to The Enneagram, which is a personality insight tool. It has spiritual roots and can be tricky to navigate at first without some help, but it is dynamic and practical. I'm a type seven, which is the experiential, free spirited, non-judgmental, compulsive type (some associated types - hippie, playboy, traveler, entertainer). Sevens can make a huge impact on the world with their passion, independent thinking and risk taking. However, other types can view sevens as flaky, non-committal and lacking in substance. Conversely, I can view aggressive, competitive, no-nonsense people as being self-absorbed, rude and obtuse. You see the dilemma! Of course, every person has room for improvement, but if we don't recognize our own gifting/bias, we can kill the spark of what makes other people unique, optimized and powerful.

The Enneagram is not binary (either/or) like Myers Briggs. It accommodates for periods in life of stress and health. For each type, there is an option for a sub-type (known as a "wing") to add even more dimension and insight.

Even if you explored personality testing in the past, check out the Enneagram. My favorite website is enneagraminstitute.com, which has free short tests and thorough type descriptions. My favorite book is "Enneagram in Life and Work" by Helen Palmer, but do some general context research online first for this book to be even more helpful. I encourage you to start, or continue, the wonderful journey of learning to be our truest selves.