The Pain Stops Here

There is something really wrong in us. What makes people kill others with no remorse? Abuse? Hate? Lies? Greed? Fear? Meaninglessness? Are we powerless to do anything about it? What about the wrongs done to us personally?

Emotional pain, brokenness and other negative emotions spread like a disease (as do joy and hope). I see it in the office, in families, among friends, at church, and at restaurants. You can't wash your hands and make this go away. When we are hurting, frustrated, or ashamed, it will come out, whether by mistreating others or mistreating ourselves. A friend once said to me that people either implode or explode.

We can find adequate coping skills, live "lives of quiet desperation," or numb our pain. I choose to take a redemptive view of all life, in the tradition and example of Jesus Christ. He was abused, marginalized, and eventually murdered. However, He took the wrong done to Him out of love, overcame it by His supernatural power, and stopped the cycle of evil with His own life. Is this not amazing? Who wouldn't want to tap into this healing life and power? He gives us the gift of transforming trials into life-giving opportunities. Read more about Him, if you dont know, or get acquainted with Him, if you haven't in awhile. Learn more how this story can be real to you in Ragamuffin Gospel (more book recos below).

We can't change or save other people who are wounded and sick in their being, but what can we do? I'm very interested in the concept that sin/evil/negativity/fear directed towards me, STOPS with me. The people who mistreat us, have much greater influence and control than they should not only over us, but indirectly on the others that we mistreat in turn (because we pass on pain). I am working to respect my vessel/self enough that I don't allow people to mistreat me (as much as I can). However, with the everyday onslaught of negativity, fear and rudeness, let's do our best to NOT transmit this onto other people and to ruthlessly seek healing of our own pain and wounds.... let's stop the cycle (no excuses for abuse or injustice!).

I recommend reading books that teach you about overcoming emotional challenges, seek the redemptive and healing love of God through Jesus, find healthy and creative outlets, talk to a therapist. This is a tall order. I'm still thinking through the implications of this and would love to know your thoughts.

Some books I recommend:

"The Allure of Gentleness" covers many common problems people have with reconciling faith in God and real life. It's written to Christians who want to better understand the faith, but is relatable for those who aren't Christians.

Friday Noodling - The Most Unhelpful Advice Ever

"Don't care what people think."

Okeedokie. Thanks for dumping that one on me. I get the sentiment, but playing this out in reality, at least for me, is impossible.

I noodle on this topic a lot, because, even though I'm independent and crave autonomy, I do seek affirmation and meaningful community. Scriptures say that the fear of other people is a snare or a trap, but we are also made for communion and collaboration. On one extreme, you can become a victim to the biased and subjective opinions of others, who don't share your values, story, pain, worldview, and personality type. On the other extreme, people are obtuse jerks.

Not sure what the best answer is, but here are a few tips I use:

1. If I treasure something - a dream, hope, plans, memories - I only share it with people I trust and who build me up. PERIOD. This allows for intimacy and authenticity without risking having your treasure be carelessly or intentionally trampled. I have rarely regretted privacy and restraint.

As an aside and personal testimony, I think single women can make the mistake of too quickly putting their dreams and treasures in the hands of guys that aren't ready, willing or capable to protect or cherish them.

2. I only listen to people who understand how I'm wired, what motivates me, AND are willing to tell me the truth in a loving way. And I'm talking criticism AND compliments. I don't need to be artificially puffed up nor torn down. It is really helpful to gain an understanding of personality types (see older posts), so you can look out for those who aren't compatible with yours. A fresh perspective can be helpful, but just from personal experience, if you can't relate to how I'm feeling or thinking, your advice is going to be ineffective.

3. Stay grounded in YOUR values, purpose and perspective. I'm not a mushy subjectivist - like all of our individual thoughts and opinions constitute some sort of disorienting rainbow of reality. There are objective truths that cannot be reasonably denied, but no one on this earth is you, and no one will ever ever ever be you again. Only God Himself knows all of your pain, joys, and hopes. No one has a right to take that dignity away and we have a responsibility to protect ouselves and others.

4. Handle delicately giving your opinion to others. If they don't ask; don't give it. Period. I try very hard to not interfere with other people's lives (unless they are in danger, etc). It drives me up the wall when other people don't show the same respect.

I'm sure there is more we can discuss, but this is what comes to mind for now. Some of you see weakness in others who care what people think, but let's reframe the situation and look for the good. Those people (us) can be stewards of potentially great relationships and connections, if we have the right boundaries, respect and wisdom.

Enneagram Insights Series - Why Personality Testing Matters

I've always admired people who seem to unequivocally know who they are, what they want and how to be immune to the judgments of others. This isn't most of us, is it? Most people have blindspots in their personalities. For life to function well, there must be a myriad of gifts, perspectives, motivations and personality types, but appreciating this diversity is not easy!

Take social media, as an example of this personality quagmire. We see epic digital battles over dresses, politics, celebrities - some want us to just get along, some don't want to be involved at all, some see issues as black and white, some see grey, some see purple. Who's wrong? Who's right? Who cares? It can be maddening to navigate these waters!

I am a personality testing and self-awareness enthusiast. You can't have your feet firmly planted in life without understanding what makes you (and others) unique. If you've interviewed for a corporate job, you probably took some sort of generic test to see if you were right for the role. In retrospect, my results were normally wrong, because I unconsciously put on work "masks" to project what I was "supposed" to be. I spent years thinking and acting like someone I wasn't, which leads to an imbalance of mind, soul, and body. I unknowingly did things I didn't really want to do, nurtured relationships with people who drained me, and fell prey to the illegitimate criticism of others.

A life coach and friend introduced me to The Enneagram, which is a personality insight tool. It has spiritual roots and can be tricky to navigate at first without some help, but it is dynamic and practical. I'm a type seven, which is the experiential, free spirited, non-judgmental, compulsive type (some associated types - hippie, playboy, traveler, entertainer). Sevens can make a huge impact on the world with their passion, independent thinking and risk taking. However, other types can view sevens as flaky, non-committal and lacking in substance. Conversely, I can view aggressive, competitive, no-nonsense people as being self-absorbed, rude and obtuse. You see the dilemma! Of course, every person has room for improvement, but if we don't recognize our own gifting/bias, we can kill the spark of what makes other people unique, optimized and powerful.

The Enneagram is not binary (either/or) like Myers Briggs. It accommodates for periods in life of stress and health. For each type, there is an option for a sub-type (known as a "wing") to add even more dimension and insight.

Even if you explored personality testing in the past, check out the Enneagram. My favorite website is enneagraminstitute.com, which has free short tests and thorough type descriptions. My favorite book is "Enneagram in Life and Work" by Helen Palmer, but do some general context research online first for this book to be even more helpful. I encourage you to start, or continue, the wonderful journey of learning to be our truest selves.

4 Ways Understanding Personality Types Can Benefit You

Every one of my friends loves personality testing. Every. Single. One. My best friend is a certified Myers Briggs administrator. I’ve read 2 books this week about The Enneagram alone. Letters, numbers, categories, analyzing, matchmaking, occupation/spiritual calling-finding fill my Sunday brunch conversations. As an ethical opportunist (self-characterization), I’m always looking to understand people more deeply and assimilate that information in a practical way. Some helpful uses of personality analysis:

To get ahead in business. An astute coworker said she keeps her personality nuances private, because savvy climbers in a competitive corporate environment can use your weaknesses against you. I never considered this before, but she is right. I choose to look for personality types in the office, so I can adjust my communication style and work approach to be more effective. If a person is a data-driven decision maker, I present facts. If a person is type A and anxious, I give clear timeline expectations and frequent follow-up. If a person is a sensitive feeler, I’m empathetic and look for healthy compromise.

To find out if you are my soul mate. You probably most definitely are my soul mate, because I fall in love with everyone (I’m an ENFP, after all). It is incredibly efficient to look for objective personality traits that fundamentally don’t work with mine and vice versa (particularly while wading through online dating profiles, ahem). I typically know by the second day of texting what the person’s Myers Briggs type is (or my best guess). To work out family issues. I have fun at holidays testing my family members for personality types and reading Myers Briggs and Enneagram descriptions. It’s a way of saying, “Let’s all remember we are VERY different (winky smiley face).” Through personality awareness, we can learn to accept these differences as a reality of functioning in a beautifully diverse world and not as a personal slight.

To find out who’s a friend and who’s…um….better as an acquaintance. I’m learning who is “safe” to share my thoughts and feelings with and who drives me up the emotional wall. The result of this personality study has given me healthy boundaries. Some of my personality peeves are: Demanding too much of my time and attention (I’m independent). Being too data-driven to read the grey between the lines (I’m intuitive). Forcefully sharing your opinion without understanding that I’m a processor and will get there on my own, eventually (I’m a messy thinker). You get the idea. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, but not “all kinds” are my or your bestie.

Personality tests and our perception of them are flawed, but their positive impact is real, and even fun. Some people understandably writhe at being put in an identity box and seemingly judged this way. The best intent is not to mechanically define a person, but to appreciate their strengths and understand their weaknesses, as well as our own.