Friday Noodling - The Most Unhelpful Advice Ever

"Don't care what people think."

Okeedokie. Thanks for dumping that one on me. I get the sentiment, but playing this out in reality, at least for me, is impossible.

I noodle on this topic a lot, because, even though I'm independent and crave autonomy, I do seek affirmation and meaningful community. Scriptures say that the fear of other people is a snare or a trap, but we are also made for communion and collaboration. On one extreme, you can become a victim to the biased and subjective opinions of others, who don't share your values, story, pain, worldview, and personality type. On the other extreme, people are obtuse jerks.

Not sure what the best answer is, but here are a few tips I use:

1. If I treasure something - a dream, hope, plans, memories - I only share it with people I trust and who build me up. PERIOD. This allows for intimacy and authenticity without risking having your treasure be carelessly or intentionally trampled. I have rarely regretted privacy and restraint.

As an aside and personal testimony, I think single women can make the mistake of too quickly putting their dreams and treasures in the hands of guys that aren't ready, willing or capable to protect or cherish them.

2. I only listen to people who understand how I'm wired, what motivates me, AND are willing to tell me the truth in a loving way. And I'm talking criticism AND compliments. I don't need to be artificially puffed up nor torn down. It is really helpful to gain an understanding of personality types (see older posts), so you can look out for those who aren't compatible with yours. A fresh perspective can be helpful, but just from personal experience, if you can't relate to how I'm feeling or thinking, your advice is going to be ineffective.

3. Stay grounded in YOUR values, purpose and perspective. I'm not a mushy subjectivist - like all of our individual thoughts and opinions constitute some sort of disorienting rainbow of reality. There are objective truths that cannot be reasonably denied, but no one on this earth is you, and no one will ever ever ever be you again. Only God Himself knows all of your pain, joys, and hopes. No one has a right to take that dignity away and we have a responsibility to protect ouselves and others.

4. Handle delicately giving your opinion to others. If they don't ask; don't give it. Period. I try very hard to not interfere with other people's lives (unless they are in danger, etc). It drives me up the wall when other people don't show the same respect.

I'm sure there is more we can discuss, but this is what comes to mind for now. Some of you see weakness in others who care what people think, but let's reframe the situation and look for the good. Those people (us) can be stewards of potentially great relationships and connections, if we have the right boundaries, respect and wisdom.